God’s P.A.T.H. for parenting: part one by Tommy Hilliker

God’s P.A.T.H. for parenting: part one by Tommy Hilliker

Printer version

Everyone at your church can benefit from a parenting series. Whether someone is married with children, a single parent, in a blended family or stepfamily, a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or whether their only relationship with parents is that they had some – there's something for everyone in a parenting series. The principles apply to all of our lives.

As a dad and pastor at Saddleback Church, I've seen a lot of emotions wrapped up in parenting. There's a lot of joy and excitement. There is also frustration, disappointment, and pain in parenting.

Parenting takes courage. It's hard work. It's not for wimps. It's a difficult, demanding job. So how do we teach good parenting principles from the pulpit? How do we compete with all the voices out there – from great aunt Sally to Super Nanny to Doctor Phil?

At Saddleback I've used a simple acronym that you might find helpful as well.

The parenting P.A.T.H.

The Bible uses the imagery of a path to describe life. First, there is a right path for our families and our lives. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Teach your children to choose the right path and when they are older they will remain upon it." I'll talk more about this confusing and misunderstood verse later.

There is also a wrong path that you can choose for your life and for your family. Proverbs 14:12 says, "There is a path before each person that seems right but it ends in death." And Proverbs 15:10 says, "It's a school of hard knocks for those who leave God's path, a dead-end street for those who hate God's ways."

There is a right path for your life and your family. And there is a wrong path for your life and your family. The "easier" path is the way culture pulls us. It's constantly tempting to go that road. Then there is another path. It's a harder path, but a better path. That's the path we have to cut. That's God's path for our lives.

His path includes four key directions:

Provide a spiritual foundation for your family.
Accept your children unconditionally.
Train them intentionally.
Help them develop healthy godly habits.

In this issue we'll take a look at the first two points on the P.A.T.H.

Provide a spiritual foundation for your family.

As pastors and parents, we have this awesome responsibility to raise our kids and teach them how to be on the right path. We have to do that by laying a proper foundation. Our foundation has to be solid. It needs to be based on God's Word. If we are not built on the proper foundation, our lives will crumble.

As I mentioned, one of the most confusing, misinterpreted, and misunderstood verses in the Bible is Proverbs 22:6: "Teach your children to choose the right path and when they are older they will remain upon it." Let's start by clarifying what this verse doesn't mean. This is not a promise; it's a proverb. Parents have used this verse over the years as a holy rabbit's foot, thinking that it's a promise. But it's not. It's a proverb. It's not a guarantee that your child will always choose God's path.

Let me tell you how this verse was illustrated when I was growing up. I heard it like this: You take your kids to Sunday school and you make sure they get involved in some sort of Bible study. You read the Bible to them and they memorize Scripture and somewhere they come to the Lord and they get baptized. And maybe you even send them to a Christian school. Then later on in life when they get older, they're going to rebel. And they're going to go sow their wild oats and go crazy and walk away from the Lord. Then maybe, just before they take their last dying breath, they'll repent and come back to God.

There are two problems with this interpretation. First, that's absolutely no comfort to a parent! Second, it just isn't true. I've seen lots of examples of kids raised in Christian homes who don't follow that pattern.

But there's a life lesson in that verse that should encourage us as parents. The spiritual foundation that you and I lay for our kids will remain. The house could burn down to the ground, but the foundation still stays. A person's life can burn down to the ground, but if they have the proper foundation, they can rebuild their life.

How do you do this? How do you build this foundation?

• Center your life around God.

We talk about this a lot as believers. But it's so important. We need to put God first in our marriages. We need to put him first in our relationships. We need to put him first in our finances. We need to put him first in our business. We need to put him first when we have troubles or struggles. We need to make sure that he's first in our schedule.

Think of it like the spokes on a wheel. The spokes on a wheel represent every area of your life. Those spokes go down to the hub of the wheel. The hub is what holds the spokes together and holds the wheel together. That hub is God. He will hold your life together if you put him at the center of it.

• Develop family values.

There are lots of different kinds of values we can have for our families. Let me give you an example of one that our home has. My wife and I are committed to our marriage. We decided when we got married that divorce would never be an option for our home and for our family. In fact, the "D" word is never used in our house. We don't even talk about divorce.

I encourage you to make a list of your family values. Start with one value and add another one a few months later. Keep building on those values. Then a few years down the line, you'll have a set of family values that you've incorporated into your life. It takes time to build a foundation, so it takes time to build these family values.

I love how Deuteronomy illustrates this. It says, "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road. When you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Be creative. Figure out ways to reinforce your family values.

Accept your children unconditionally.

God accepts us just the way we are, and that's called grace. And God wants us to extend grace to our kids. God sovereignly chose your kids to be in your family. He custom-designed them for you. He chose you to be their parent.

Psalm 127 says, "Children are a gift from the Lord." Have you accepted that gift? When they're running around screaming like wild banshees, have you accepted that gift? I know, there are some days you're thinking, "Do I get to take the gift back?" But the Bible is clear they're a gift, they're a blessing. Giving our kids unconditional acceptance is a powerful way we communicate love.

In fact, kids understand love in three basic ways.

1. Through attention

This is the number one way our kids understand love. They want you to be with them. They want talk time. They want hang time. They want fun time. They just need time.

We've got to make sure we spend time with our kids. It takes time to build family values into their lives. They don't need more stuff, but they do need more of us.

2. Through affirmation

This is so crucial. We shape our kids by the way we talk to them and by the way we treat them. Do you talk to your kids with respect? Whatever age your kids are, they need to know you value them.

Our words can be daggers in their hearts. Or we can offer soothing, uplifting, healing words. We teach our kids how the world should treat them by the way we treat them and by the way we talk to them. So build your kids up. Affirm them. Accept them. Encourage them. Make sure you tell your kids as often as you can how much you love them – how proud you are of them. That's something we need to do as much as we possibly can.

3. Through affection

We show our kids acceptance through hugging them, kissing them, and loving on them. Studies have shown that fathers are one-sixth as physically affectionate toward their kids as mothers. What does that mean? That means as dads we've got to step up to the plate. We've got to be loving toward our kids.

We all want our kids to be on the right path. We want them to grow up to be social, godly, and moral individuals. We want the best for them. In the next issue, we'll take a look at the last two points on the P.A.T.H. to great parenting.